The Second Shift Nobody Warns You About

My husband was fighting for his life. I was fighting to get the hospital to bill the right insurance.

I remember being in tears over a $20,000 medical bill.

The hospital kept sending it to our old insurance instead of the correct one. I kept calling, trying to get someone to fix it.

Then came the collection notice.

My husband had stage 4 cancer. We were raising three little girls in the middle of a pandemic. I needed to be caring for him, helping our children understand why Daddy was sick, and figuring out how to get our family through the next day.

Instead, I was spending hours explaining the same billing mistake. And now it was affecting our credit.

There wasn’t extra energy for this

When my husband was diagnosed, he was 36. Our girls were 1, 4, and 7.

We were figuring out treatment while trying to protect him from COVID and give our children some sense of normalcy. There were appointments, medications, procedures, and unexpected hospital visits.

There were days when he felt too terrible to participate in parenting. He needed me, and the girls needed me. It felt like everything was on my shoulders, and I was exhausted.

I had been an ICU nurse. I understood the medical language and knew how to care for someone who was sick. But this was my husband. I was trying to take care of him while carrying my own fear about what might happen.

That took so much of me.

Then the insurance and billing work demanded more attention when I was already struggling to keep my head above water. Making those phone calls, trying to understand the explanations of benefits, and getting someone to address the problem took emotional energy I didn’t have.

Every time I explained it again, I hoped that would be the last time. When nothing changed, I had to find the energy to keep going.

I was relieved. I was also exhausted.

Eventually, I contacted a local elected official’s office and made a complaint. The next day, someone from hospital leadership called. They apologized, and the billing problem finally got fixed.

I was relieved. But why had it taken that much?

I had a healthcare background and connections. Even with those things, I ended up in tears trying to get help. I kept thinking about someone who didn’t know who else to call—or was too tired to explain it one more time.

Getting the bill corrected didn’t give me back the time or energy I had spent fighting it.

The part people don’t always see

We had incredible support from friends and family. Family helped with the girls. Friends brought meals. People showed up for us, and we were deeply grateful.

The business side of caregiving was harder for other people to see. It happened around everything else, taking time and attention without necessarily leaving anything to show for it. Sometimes the result of hours of work was simply that I needed to make another call.

That experience is part of why I started Back Pocket Caregiver. I help families organize the information, prepare questions, and work through what needs to happen next. I know how hard it is to do that when you are already emotionally and physically spent.

If this part of caregiving is wearing you down, I offer a free 30-minute introductory conversation. You don’t need to have everything organized before we talk.

I’m glad I got that bill fixed. But I remember how much of me it took to get there.

I wanted those hours with my husband and our girls. I wanted to be with them without another phone call hanging over us.